Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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