at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
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