Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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