Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
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