i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
