you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
