The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
