there was a trapeze. enough said
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
