At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
