He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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