If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
