I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
