You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
