FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
