i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You pole danced in your parka.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
