I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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