She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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