Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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