Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
