I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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