did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
