His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
