she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
