just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Do you have feelings for this penis?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
