Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
