I'll bet she douches with gravy.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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