Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
