Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
