I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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