i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
