sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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