i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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