You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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