Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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