you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Dating After Heartbreak
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters