I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
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Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
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At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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