I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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