Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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