So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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