at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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