...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
