Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
