I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
