I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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