1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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