took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
