I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
