hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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