I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
