If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
