GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
