Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
