Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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