i love accidental penises.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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