I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
