I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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