dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
