Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
