so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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