Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
can u get pink eye on your cock?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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