why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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