I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
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