I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Did you pee in the oven last night??
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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