so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
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He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
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Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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