So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
