He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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